It's Easier Not To
I haven't posted in a while. I haven't been in the best frame of mind, and I myself am getting sick of me whining and complaining and stressing over every, tiny little thing. How can my friends stand me? I can't stand me!
I've entered this slide zone, this place I got away from so long ago, and was dragged back to because of a really bad choice I made.
Earlier I wrote about Spiritual Vampires. Well, I dated one for almost 2 years! Yes! Me!
But in my defense I'd like to say I spent the last 14 months of the relationship trying to get out of it, which was really, really hard. I've discovered a wise rule-- Never date a coworker. Unless the two of you are in completely different places and only see each other at lunch, or something.
Why did it take so long to break free? Because it was easier not to.
Alanis Morrisette has a song on her Jagged Little Pill that says ""Cause it's easy not to, so much easier not to, " and that's the story of so much of my life.
It was easier to do what he wanted just so he'd shut up about it. No matter how much I stood up for myself, he won in the end because it was easier not to deal with his yelling, pouting, tears. Yes, I think I dated a spoiled 2-year-old. I still shake my head in wonder at myself.
I gave up much-needed income for that man because he wanted to go somewhere on HIS day off, and he thought I owed it to him to call in sick to work and go with him. No matter how I tried reasoning and reassurance, he made me feel selfish, and I'd feel guilty, cave, and go along with his plans.
Why? Because it was easier not to wear myself out and end up exhausted, trying to get him to be rational and see my point of view.
I'm not saying we didn't have some knock-down, drag-outs. We did. I'm stubborn enough and angry enough to fight back (nothing physical, but loud and emotional is draining, too). In fact, the last 14 months were almost nothing BUT fights. I spent more time away from him than with him.
But it was so much easier not to keep away, especially since I'd see him every, single day at work. And we worked in the same space, had the same breaks, same lunches, etc. It was easier to give in.
Okay. So we're done, and I'm moving on. Happily so.
That stress is over, and now I'm stressing big-time over my job. I hate it. I cannot TELL you how utterly soul-draining it is, how lowly we non-persons actually are. We are No Ones. If we quit or get fired, there are 25 people waiting to take our places. The big bossies couldn't care less if we never showed our faces there again. (Actually, they do care, because how can THEY look good if WE don't do our jobs?)
My job is a Vampire!
This job isn't set up to further my (or anyone else with the same job's) life. We have no benefits, but by god we'd better not call in sick. (I think if we accidentally died, they'd fire us.) Even if we bring in a doctor's excuse because we were hospitalized, it was an unauthorized absence, so we get a big, fat red square filled in inside our record sheets. No, we must be sick or die in accordance with the rules, which are securing authorization in duplicate not more nor less than exactly 60 days in advance. I am not kidding. No, really, I'm not! We're talking quasi-GOVERNMENT here.
They set up our schedules, and somehow we find we're not working anything at all what our schedules say. They shouldn't call them "schedules," they should call them "suggestions." Sometimes we work 39 hours a week, scheduled for 30, sometimes we work 16 hours a week, scheduled for 30.
We get "edited," which is a nice way to say "we're recording every stroke you make on your keyboard." If we don't register a mistake, great! If we DO register one, up goes our "error rate," which is hard as hell to lower because everything's based on 2500 or so tested images. If you didn't mess up 2 years in the past, your rate doesn't go down, until you reach a point in time where you DID mess up 2 years previously. But boy, howdy, can the error rate go UP. Nonstop.
Which is where I'm at (plus I talk, which you're NOT allowed to do, so I get shushed like a little kid)-- about to get canned.
I've been so stressed over losing this crappy job that I've been yelling in my sleep, grinding my teeth, and having honest-to-God anxiety attacks before going in to work because I'm terrified I'll see a dreaded "edit slip" on my time card. My dog has stopped sleeping at the bottom of my bed-- I've scared her too often during the night with my shouting and kicking my legs around. (Thanks for the loyalty, Lucy.)
Why?
Because it's easier not to be proactive and look for another job. It's easier not to go out into the scary world and find something more appropriate. It's easier to just hope and stress over the one I have, instead of healing my soul and doing something strengthening.
It's easier not to show up for myself, easier not to fight a good fight, easier to just lay there like a squashed bug.
No more!!!
It takes a lot of pushing, but I'm birthing myself into a better place. Being with the guy I was with, working at this zombie-zone, is turning me back into the mushpot I used to be. Feeling guilty about everything (including things I had nothing to do with), worrying all the time, becoming paranoid, always angry about something.
No more!!!
Today I told the Universe, out loud, and I didn't care if anyone heard me or not, "I know there's a job out there waiting for me to have. I know it's the right place for me. I know you'll place it into my hands or my lap so that I KNOW I'll recognize it when it comes to me. And I know it will be something that directly impacts and benefits either the environment, animals, or people who need it. I'll keep my eyes open for it, and you'll bring it to me."
You know what? I didn't have an anxiety attack before work today! I got just angry enough to finally be fed up and to shut up and listen to the Universe (or God, or Who or Whatever) tell me I'm going to be just fine.
Yeah, it's easier not to. But, all things considered, it's harder not to, too.
I've entered this slide zone, this place I got away from so long ago, and was dragged back to because of a really bad choice I made.
Earlier I wrote about Spiritual Vampires. Well, I dated one for almost 2 years! Yes! Me!
But in my defense I'd like to say I spent the last 14 months of the relationship trying to get out of it, which was really, really hard. I've discovered a wise rule-- Never date a coworker. Unless the two of you are in completely different places and only see each other at lunch, or something.
Why did it take so long to break free? Because it was easier not to.
Alanis Morrisette has a song on her Jagged Little Pill that says ""Cause it's easy not to, so much easier not to, " and that's the story of so much of my life.
It was easier to do what he wanted just so he'd shut up about it. No matter how much I stood up for myself, he won in the end because it was easier not to deal with his yelling, pouting, tears. Yes, I think I dated a spoiled 2-year-old. I still shake my head in wonder at myself.
I gave up much-needed income for that man because he wanted to go somewhere on HIS day off, and he thought I owed it to him to call in sick to work and go with him. No matter how I tried reasoning and reassurance, he made me feel selfish, and I'd feel guilty, cave, and go along with his plans.
Why? Because it was easier not to wear myself out and end up exhausted, trying to get him to be rational and see my point of view.
I'm not saying we didn't have some knock-down, drag-outs. We did. I'm stubborn enough and angry enough to fight back (nothing physical, but loud and emotional is draining, too). In fact, the last 14 months were almost nothing BUT fights. I spent more time away from him than with him.
But it was so much easier not to keep away, especially since I'd see him every, single day at work. And we worked in the same space, had the same breaks, same lunches, etc. It was easier to give in.
Okay. So we're done, and I'm moving on. Happily so.
That stress is over, and now I'm stressing big-time over my job. I hate it. I cannot TELL you how utterly soul-draining it is, how lowly we non-persons actually are. We are No Ones. If we quit or get fired, there are 25 people waiting to take our places. The big bossies couldn't care less if we never showed our faces there again. (Actually, they do care, because how can THEY look good if WE don't do our jobs?)
My job is a Vampire!
This job isn't set up to further my (or anyone else with the same job's) life. We have no benefits, but by god we'd better not call in sick. (I think if we accidentally died, they'd fire us.) Even if we bring in a doctor's excuse because we were hospitalized, it was an unauthorized absence, so we get a big, fat red square filled in inside our record sheets. No, we must be sick or die in accordance with the rules, which are securing authorization in duplicate not more nor less than exactly 60 days in advance. I am not kidding. No, really, I'm not! We're talking quasi-GOVERNMENT here.
They set up our schedules, and somehow we find we're not working anything at all what our schedules say. They shouldn't call them "schedules," they should call them "suggestions." Sometimes we work 39 hours a week, scheduled for 30, sometimes we work 16 hours a week, scheduled for 30.
We get "edited," which is a nice way to say "we're recording every stroke you make on your keyboard." If we don't register a mistake, great! If we DO register one, up goes our "error rate," which is hard as hell to lower because everything's based on 2500 or so tested images. If you didn't mess up 2 years in the past, your rate doesn't go down, until you reach a point in time where you DID mess up 2 years previously. But boy, howdy, can the error rate go UP. Nonstop.
Which is where I'm at (plus I talk, which you're NOT allowed to do, so I get shushed like a little kid)-- about to get canned.
I've been so stressed over losing this crappy job that I've been yelling in my sleep, grinding my teeth, and having honest-to-God anxiety attacks before going in to work because I'm terrified I'll see a dreaded "edit slip" on my time card. My dog has stopped sleeping at the bottom of my bed-- I've scared her too often during the night with my shouting and kicking my legs around. (Thanks for the loyalty, Lucy.)
Why?
Because it's easier not to be proactive and look for another job. It's easier not to go out into the scary world and find something more appropriate. It's easier to just hope and stress over the one I have, instead of healing my soul and doing something strengthening.
It's easier not to show up for myself, easier not to fight a good fight, easier to just lay there like a squashed bug.
No more!!!
It takes a lot of pushing, but I'm birthing myself into a better place. Being with the guy I was with, working at this zombie-zone, is turning me back into the mushpot I used to be. Feeling guilty about everything (including things I had nothing to do with), worrying all the time, becoming paranoid, always angry about something.
No more!!!
Today I told the Universe, out loud, and I didn't care if anyone heard me or not, "I know there's a job out there waiting for me to have. I know it's the right place for me. I know you'll place it into my hands or my lap so that I KNOW I'll recognize it when it comes to me. And I know it will be something that directly impacts and benefits either the environment, animals, or people who need it. I'll keep my eyes open for it, and you'll bring it to me."
You know what? I didn't have an anxiety attack before work today! I got just angry enough to finally be fed up and to shut up and listen to the Universe (or God, or Who or Whatever) tell me I'm going to be just fine.
Yeah, it's easier not to. But, all things considered, it's harder not to, too.
Lori finally stopped procrastinating at 9:43 PM
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